I was kindly reminded last night of a little disaster of the wedding-related variety as one of my BFFs sent me a photo as she was reminiscing over her wedding video. Which she was watching with her cat.
We shall call this photo “bum-shot”. Yours truly was asked to read a rather beautiful poem. I rehearsed and rehearsed how I would read it and – aside from wearing clip-cloppy shoes that seemed to make the loudest sound on planet EARTH as I walked up to the front to recite the piece – everything went a-OK.
That is until my friend got her wedding video back and it turns out I’d stood myself RIGHT in front of the camera.
She likes to joke that she can tell the really emotional lines by the clenching
Taking one for the team, teaching y’all where NOT to stand
Weddings seem to be a breeding ground for awkwardness for me…and I don’t just mean meeting wildly inappropriate men (or one wildly appropriate one as it ended up).
When bum-shot bride asked me to do a reading at her wedding I had to first remind her of my infamous wedding reading boo-boo of the year before.
On that occasion I was delighted to be asked by a great friend to do a reading at her wedding, and it ended up being a cute Winnie the Pooh piece. But when I read it out loud to myself I couldn’t help but feel unnerved.
Was I really expected to stand up before the whole congregation and begin with the line:
“Wherever I am there’s always Pooh, there’s always Pooh and me.”
Anyway it was the BRIDE who had chosen it and – as we all know – brides are infallible for the period leading up to, and including, their nuptials.
So I stood up at the wedding rehearsal – in front of the family and the groom’s hot rugby ushers – and began.
“Wherever I am there’s always Pooh….” I read.
“…there’s always Pooh and me” I whispered, blushing madly.
So my dear friend Bridey decided that I could change the words slightly. She agreed that it didn’t quite have the cute Pooh-and-Piglet-friends-forever ring to it when read aloud.
So there I was – nervous as hell – on the day of the wedding with annotated scribbles across the poem changing every major ‘Pooh’ reference to ‘You’.
“Wherever I am there’s always you, there’s always you and me.”
HOWEVER the scribbles on the page were mocking me; wriggling before my eyes and confusing me so much that when I stood up to deliver the poem I lost the use of English as my mother tongue and, trying desperately not to make any poo references whatsoever (like when someone says “don’t think about a blue elephant” and quite obviously you do), I blurted out:
“This is from Winnie the Winnie. [PAUSE] It’s a poo-em.”
“It’s a poo-em”?!
I looked up at the congregation as my cheeks turned the colour of my bright red dress and saw another friend – who’d been asked to film the ceremony – silently rocking her video camera up and down in laughter.
Ever the professional, available for weddings and bat mitzvahs
At the reception afterwards at least three people approached me to ask if I would do a poo-em at their wedding.