I’m a calamity…get me out of here!

If you’re anything like me, you set yourself little challenges as you meander through your day.

How many steps can I scale if I do one GIANT leap?

Am I psychic enough to predict the next song that’ll come up on shuffle?

Can I make it to the checkout before this frail old man next to me? Just kidding.

Yes? No?

Well, one of my most regular ones – and I know you do this too – is: can I nip through the door behind that person before it swings shut?

I was at work and going out through the reception door. You have to press a little button to be released back into the wild so NATURALLY if someone has just gone before you, you race to get through while it’s still swinging shut so that you don’t have to bother with the palava of lifting your hand, extending your finger and pressing the button yourself. We all have our standards.

 I’m a calamity…get me out of here!

The discolouration around the button shows how many people must just stab at it like an angry chimp

On this occasion the door was already 70% shut as I spotted my chance to dart through. As I sprang forward it reached 80% but – now that the challenge had been firmly set in my head – nothing was going to stop me getting through. Not wood, not steel, not the laws of physics…not me carrying a bit o’ extra holiday weight.

I WOULD GET THERE IN TIME.

AND I WOULD FIT MY ASS THROUGH.

Things began to unfold in slow motion. The door was swinging further shut so I leapt one leg forward – like a veritable GAZELLE – and stuck my foot out to hold that last 10% open. But instead of ‘foot through door’, it was more ‘body hits wall’ as I realised I’d put too much momentum into my gazelle-leap.

 I’m a calamity…get me out of here!

I had all the grace and poise of this particular “special” gazelle (whose mate is giving the camera some strong glad eye)

The impact of my final destination on the wall was so forceful that the office clock fell from up above me, diving just behind my head and flipping off all the office lights as it bombed down passed the switches.

 I’m a calamity…get me out of here!

Don’t all rush at once and nominate me for National Geographic photographer of the year

Yes, that’s right. Rather than operating like a normal human I managed to turn ‘walking through a door’ into ‘banging into a wall, sending a clock smashing into pieces on the floor and plunging the office into darkness’.

Let me tell you – from experience – that it’s VERY hard to style something like that out.

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