A Wilde crossing

My acting career peaked in 6th form when I was cast as Lady Bracknell in a school production of The Importance of Being Earnest.

I gave a triumphant performance – if I say so myself – and delivered Lady B’s immortal line “…a HANDBAG??” with every thespian bone in my body.

In my normal non-Wildean but often wildly unfortunate life, my handbag is never far from my side. It’s not an expensive one but, like any girl, it contains everything I need to function. Like lip balm. And three year-old receipts. The problem is I have no spacial awareness and whenever I’m out with my long-suffering husband Tony Baggins he has to walk in me and my handbag’s wake, catching everything we spin and hit. I’m not actually permitted in certain departments of John Lewis (like glassware) because he knows the damage handbag and I will invariably cause.

Today Tony B and I attended a conference together. We’re cool like that. In the lunch break we hit Wagamamas like any self-respecting noodlephiles, but by the time the bill came we were running late for our afternoon seminar. We dashed back to the venue, over at the pedestrian crossing with just a moment before the lights were about to turn green for the cars.

Or at least Mr Baggins THOUGHT we were both crossing. In my dash to get over the road I’d flailed around and caught my handbag strap on a bollard on the pavement. My feet continued flying forward over the road while my arm remained resolutely attached to handbag…attached to bollard…attached to pavement.

Baggins turned to see me basically horizontal in the air like I was doing a jaunty Artful Dodger heel-kick. Or a WWF move.

A Wilde crossing

“Yeah that’s pretty much exactly what you looked like” says Tony

After what felt like a full minute suspended in mid-air, eventually the elastic force of something or other (I’m no physicist) yanked my full body – legs and all – back to the pavement.

A man came running out of Nando’s to see if I was dead or alive.

Tony B didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as he helped release me and handbag from the bollard and examined the red welt on my arm where the bag strap had been hooked over my elbow.

We arrived at our seminar a few minutes later. It was called “Navigating the Pressures on Marriage Today”.

They neglected to cover pressures like ‘helping your wife cross the road without losing an arm’.

7 replies »

  1. Love the blog my dear! Just laughed so hard at this one that I have to go and compose myself in the ladies – I suspect thirtysomething lawyers are not supposed to be crying with laughter at their desks! 😉


  2. My acting career peaked at that show too!!

    “Yes Lady Bracknell, a perfectly ordinary hennndbegggg.”

    They should have cast us in the film.

    You are definitely fitter than Judy Dench. Not sure I outdo Colin Firth though…


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