July 24, 2015 • 27

I woke up like this

I’m not a sweet, gentle sleeper.

I don’t drift off into a peaceful slumber with luscious locks cascading around my dainty, dream-filled head. I don’t wake up perfectly rested and Disney.

I woke up like this

Aurora’s like “Make up’s still on FLEEK people…and my crown ain’t moved”

I’m not like one of those stock image women who spend 50% of their time waking up in pure perfection…

I woke up like this

It’s 6:01 and I feel so ALIVE

And the other 50% laughing their tits off about salad…

I woke up like this

Haaaa I don’t even have any salad dressing to numb the taste! I’m crazy, me!

That ain’t me, girlfriend.

I know that I drive Tony Baggins completely mad at night because I’ll quite often accidentally punch him in my sleep. ACCIDENTALLY.

One night, when I was younger, I woke up and screamed in terror as there was a cold, clammy hand on my face. I COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT, grabbed the hand and threw the person as far away from me as possible, out onto the floor.

Of course, the person who landed on the floor was me. Because it was MY HAND.

My own hand which had got pins and needles in the night and turned cold and dead.

My sister was kind enough to remind me of it just this week.

I woke up like this

I love that laughing with tears emoji more than some of my own family

I’m also a bit of a sleeptalker. An ex-boyfriend told me that I’d sat bolt upright one night and just shouted “T-SHIRT!!!” at full volume in my sleep.

But that doesn’t make me weird does it? I mean, some t-shirts can be terrifying.

I woke up like this

Anything by Ed Hardy for example

Dreams are strange, they fascinate me. I once dreamt about a random classmate I hadn’t seen in 6 years or so…and then bumped into them the very next day.

One night – when I was a 16 year-old with frizzy hair and huge, uncontrollable crushes – I dreamt Prince William (we’re talking back in his sexy, gap year days) had asked me to be his girlfriend. In my dream he liked frizzy hair. HE thought it was HOT.

I woke up like this

Looking Raleigh, Raleigh cool there Wills

In this dream Willy Windsor gave me a red scarf. Don’t be jel, we were just close like that. Our relationship had reached those dizzying ‘here, have this random old red scarf’ heights and I was loving life. Or what I thought was life.

I woke up FULLY believing that I was in a relationship with the future King of England. Then after about 5 minutes of twirling around my room my brain slowly started clunking back from Dream Mode to Awake Mode.

Niggling doubts were starting to creep in.

“I better find that scarf” I thought, panicking.

The scarf would be tangible proof of his royal affections.

I turned my bedroom completely upside down. There were a fair few Tammy tops and Mark One trouser-skirts, but no red scarves. A few blue hair mascaras and NOW! CD albums, but NO RED SCARVES.

Pure heartbreak. One of the worst break-ups I’ve ever been through.

But the weirdest sleep disaster I’ve ever had was a year or two later, when I was doing my A level mock exams. I woke up one morning before school and went about my usual routine: showered, chose an outfit, dressed, did my make up, went downstairs to eat breakfast, came back upstairs to brush my teeth, got my stuff together and then headed back downstairs to the front door to leave.

The road was empty. Not a car, not a person, not even a lone pigeon.

I went back into the kitchen and – this time – looked up at the clock.

It was about 2am.

I’ve never been so confused. I thought I’d woken up to my alarm but I must have been sleepwalking.

I had to take my make up off, put my PJs back on, and get back into bed.

Waking up in the ACTUAL morning I thought perhaps I’d dreamt the whole thing…but the clothes I’d chosen were in a pile on the floor and the cereal bowl from my 2am breakfast was by the kitchen sink.

I woke up like this

I used to kid myself I was a 2 Weetabix girl, pour too much milk in and then be like ‘oh look, I’ve got loads of leftover milk, I better have another Weetabix’. I was a 3 Weetabix girl and my secret is finally out.

The next morning I woke up and went through my same morning routine: showered, dressed, did my make up, breakfasted and packed my bag. Got to the front door to leave and realised I’d done it again.

The clock in the kitchen said 2am.

I DID THIS STRANGE DOUBLE MORNING ROUTINE EVERY NIGHT FOR A WEEK.

I put it down to exam stress but I’ll never know. The upshot was that I got to eat 30 Weetabix in 5 days.

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Over to you: What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever dreamt about or done in your sleep?

Categories: mild

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27 replies »

  1. Creased! I actually laughed out loud, all alone, at my desk, in work. I was logged in on the work blog, and had to log in to my own just to follow you and let you know how funny and brilliant your this is!

    Also, I’ve done far too many weird things in my sleep, but I went through this weird phase (is it a phase if it was years?) where I’d be half waking up in the morning and my mind just emptied itself with random words and thoughts pouring out.

    Mum: Do you want tea?
    Me: Can you believe that’s what the monkey said to me, I think I want to go to France in a rowing boat, you’re not the prime minister.

    Just anything, and much less coherent that I’ve typed.
    Sleepovers were so embarrassing!

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  2. Laughed out loud reading this post! Love the way you write. So funny. I’ve actually punched my boyfriend once in my sleep. I was so mad at him in my dream…actually winded the poor guy…totally not acceptable behaviour… but I was not in control…?! Oops!

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  3. I dream about crazy shit all the time, last night I was fighting with my sister because she wouldn’t leave the restaurant I wanted to use and the dog she bought me only said 3 words, well below par apparently.

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  4. This cracks me up! My sister is a sleeper much like yourself…. I’m always a bit nervous when I have to share a bed with her. lol So nice to meet you at the #ltbloggers chat today. =]

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  6. This cracked me up especially the hand moment! I’m an absolute sleep fiend as well, I punch my boyfriend, laugh outrageously and constantly think I’m back working at Pizza Hut shouting out for people to take the magheritas out because they’re ready (I wasn’t even a manager)

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  8. I woke up completely stressed and panicked because I had a dream that someone completely messed up the Dewey decimal system in our entire (3 story) library and I had to fix it by myself.

    I can’t believe that you woke up at 2am for an entire week. Those must have been some STRESSFUL exams.

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  10. I was once staying over at a friends house and in the middle of the night whilst still asleep, I turned and shook her awake to tell her I would be there in ‘two shakes of a lamb’s tail’. Where the there was, or why I had to wake her to tell her remains a mystery. Still to this day when she is on her way to meet me, she will text to say she will be there in 2 shakes of a lamb’s tail. Nice

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  11. I love this! I totally relate!

    I elbowed my husband in the eye in my sleep this week. I have no recollection of it. Next morning his eye was swollen, and got worse through the day, He actually booked a doctors appointment before he remembered what I’d done. He went along to the appointment anyway, just in case. I think he may have reported me for spousal abuse (it’s not the first time I’ve clonked him one in the night).

    Yesterday I dreamt that Emma Willis (off of Big Brother) had a shaved head and had then had it tattooed all over. She was sleeping in a water tank to stop it from going scabby. She still looked gorgeous.

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